Inner Voice

I just spent a whole 40 minutes writing out a long indepth account of my thoughts feelings why I can’t sleep, all the issues im struggling with at the present time and possible ways of overcoming them… it was very well written, took a long time, and highly rewarding! I click post… server is busy… all of it lost… a whole 40 minutes work… OUCH!

MUCH OUTRAGE

MY ANGRY LITTLE INNER VOICE

Money on it’s own is worthless, that is to say that money has only the purpose of aquiring other things, u can’t eat money and you can’t live in money, and you can’t have enjoyment from money alone, unless your a collector but then its not money as we know anymore it is an object of collection…
If you get money simply for the sake of it then you are being foolish not enjoying life. Now that isn’t to say squander and splash out at every opportunity you havto be clever to stay alive, home, food, etc, but u can justify spending money for enjoyment to enjoy life! For if you don’t enjoy life what’s the point of living it if you gain no enjoyment simply the hardships! And with this logic most of my maintenance loan will go to my weekends :)

Dreams are amazing! I just woke up from a night of broken sleep where I sampled everything, I felt pain, fear, a lot of water, weight from buoyancy devices in a swimming incident and lethargy from lack of sleep in the dream, I also hung out with recent frends and some I havnt seen for ages but not only this I encountered ppl I could recognise from scenarios I hadn’t experienced in real life, and created in the dream! These people never existed, I’ve never met them, and yet my dream reality gave me memories of where I met them, in yesterdays that never happened… Was there ever really a yesterday? Wen my dream felt so real, and all within it made logical sense (even a man being able to drive a tent over a wave) then how less real does this reality seem (also less fun) hmmm…

Amendment: I feel far more alive and real within my dreams than I do outside of my dreams… Not to mention happier

Is this the control I have over my world? Or the fact I’m accepted and fun interesting things happen within it, even in the dreams where I’m having to do an exam I have to do in real life, I feel happier, more alive more connected to my emotions, how much freedom do I have within my dreams? Is it more or less than reality? And why do we dream? And why do my dreams tease me and taunt me with constant better living…

I should really learn to play guitar… with that and my voice i’d be unstoppable :) 

(sounds big headed but arn’t we all allowed these little thoughts? thats what this is for after all, come on! :p)

Do i really feel, or do i want to feel what i think i should feel? do i do what i do out of pleasure, or avoidance of pain? are my actions lead by my heart, my head or my cock, (btw i am male). I have such a worry in my life, that tears me apart between reality and possible fiction, the outcome of which stretches me from a friend, girl, a whole new life, but away from family, livelihood, and all i believe.

How much detail can i go into on this blog, and how personal do i want to make it for me and therefore alienate you (The reader).

Well ill put it like this: the reason i started writing this blog was because i realised that many of my thoughts and feelings of this world are romanticized from all possible corners of perspective. From how i see myself in third person in how im walking down a street to my relationships with peers and the superficial and too basic shape i see of them, reality is far more brutal and complex, this is why we envy and love romance, the simplicity and fated ends it reaches. The thrill when the hero prevails, and the lovers can be together. But also the envy we feel that it will never happen in our own lives. 

this little epiphany was thanks to the several last minutes of amazing bbc drama Sherlock, in which *SPOILER ALERT* we see that the women who must certainly have died, there is no way she didn’t die etc was saved by Sherlock Holmes! all along and no need to be sad! the skip of the heartbeat i felt, the joy and happiness that he could be happy, and he could make such a difference in his life against such unrealistic odds heartened me! That kinda power, and connection between too people, if only for a brief 1 and 1/2 hours…

I want to be loved, i want to be in a loving relationship, but do i do it out of practice? a niche in my life that must be filled or do i actually love them? im not talking infatuation i know very much so the difference and i know infatuation is real and normal, no i am talking about love.

I definitely love them, everything about them, they are the most wonderful, sweet, kind, and separately very attractive but what i still do not know…

Am i in love with them, until then what makes them any different than a friend i love (i love most of my friends) who i just find attractive? (i find several of my friends attractive).

i am aware that a wanting not to hurt or disturb as well as a wanting

The point then remains that at present if i do go for the plunge “follow my heart” i find myself losing my family, my way of life. 

The only hope lies in a single but very long process in which she has to change for me… is that fair on her? is that what she wants to do? is that what she believes?

Much pain lies ahead of this no matter what road i follow, the problem is that it is to foggy to see any of the roads at all. And with my vision so impaired, i am scared, in the dark i wish someone could hold up the light and show me a way, but the choice is of course real, not the stuff of romantic novels and there is no way of knowing or predicting and we me and her are left alone in fighting the future…

It is this complicated nature that makes me envy romance and its luxury of beginning middle and end, unrealistic escapes from pain :( 

That said i believe that creation is ongoing, and can never be stopped theres always something changing or following, thus evolution of my blog interests me and i can only speculate, if a the creator of this blog how much power do i have?

I now have my character, and have the ideas of what part I am to play, a form of social commentator I usually find myself as, expressing my blunt opinions of reality as I perceive it. But as well as eyes to observe I am the mouth to talk  while also an ear to listen, to hear to think and give an advice I can if not a retort. 

However the hardest creation of them all has without a doubt been picking the appearance of my blog wall… o.k so i went free, without a seconds thought, who would pay for a background when tumblr offers so many! AND YET WOW! in there many options do they create a headache or what! I went through about 16 before choosing this one as its simple, easy to observe there isn’t to much going on and i was sick and tired of spending over two hours on an old laptop that crashes every two seconds fiddling around with little appearances that i couldn’t just write a blog on! :) 

But that said i don’t feel completely happy with the creation, then again i havn’t had 6 full days yet :) will see if its one of those things that grows on me or if i grow it or maybe a bit of both. 

See this is where facebook had its market over the others, in its ability to make a person not havto choose a background and fiddle around with appearance making everyone equal and the same, a lovely idea that puts everyone on par and for us fans of procrastination not much effort required. Letting people be more sheep like. That is a good thing about tumblr in any case, if you survive the onslaught of possible themes and colours and fonts available, your determination clearly shows your right to be here, then again i’m now very confused :) and may have a headache…

hmm any ideas? What do you people think?… IF anyone is looking that is…

(awkwardly feeling like the new kid on the block with no friends)

This on initial inspection will appear as a depressing pessimistic approach to a situation but I ask of you to read on as an outcome will follow :)

Today I experienced one of my many and aggravating thought processes in which I reminded myself, that one of the greatest pains the human mind of western culture was infected with was romanticism, coupled with the insane ability for boredom we set ourselves up for depression and failure. This is due to the level of romance in Tv and books, in which people experience interesting gripping lives, with unbelievable love affairs or amazing adrenaline teasing adventures with people or events we all envy and are out of the bounds of our normal mundane reality. How unfair…

this surely is why people like me love to shower or dream, a space that you can make your own, escape to romantic worlds of your own making, in which you are the central figure, but without the true weighing downs of the world, stress of family, work or exams, you can be some one else, in a phrase, “escape from life”, but importantly, not permanently…

so for this reason I have decided to start this blog thing, i can create myself a whole new world, life, share my blunt and awfully accurate thoughts with you and the world, and will see where this ride leads us… this itself is a romantic journey into the unknown of sorts, ok its currently missing a story, but we have a beginning a basis and a spark of inspiration, from here, in the realms of fantasy and imagination, and the tool of writing and the net, is anything possible? :) x

So some points on anything I Blog, spelling may be wrong i’m deeply sorry in advance.

you may disagree, and please say your reasons why I would love to know.

My sentences sometimes lack clarity so im sorry if you havto reread, and every so often text lingo may creep in if so sowy :) 

so this brings me to the end of my first post, and i guess a great example of nothing is truly an end, just a stub for a new branch, here goes nothing (or something will see) :) x